Seriously, TCAP, get your shit together.

So Chris Hansen’s recent video is creating quite the controversy. It got me thinking about Chris and how much I absolutely adore his program, To Catch A Predator (TCAP for those of us in the know).  If you know me even a little, you know that I am a humanitarian and I aim to improve the overall condition of humanity one selfless act at a time. So I think TCAP needs a makeover, especially in light of Chris’ recent infidelity that was CAUGHT ON CAMERA. Please allow me to offer a few suggestions to the directors and producers of TCAP. Ahem.

Let me start off by saying that To Catch A Predator is by far one of the most informative and entertaining programs on television. I understand that at its heart, it is a show devoted to publicly identifying perverts who want to have sex with kids. There is nothing funny about that. But you have to admit, the rest of the entire show from the sting operation to the Chris Hansen interview to the arrest is fucking hilarious. But I think it can be even more funny.

This is my first time doing this. I was just gonna come over here and be her friend.

1. When they narrate the chats between the pervs and the decoys and flash the actual transcript on the screen, I think the voice-overs should actually read the chats with the spelling errors in them, instead of reading them as they were intended to be understood. Allow me to provide an example:

Perv: Hey baby gril, Imma come over tonite and like you form head to toe. Don’t worry, I bring coundoms.

Decoy: lol ok.

Now what typically happens on TCAP is the voice-over guy would read that chat like this:

“Hey baby girl, I’m going to come over tonight and lick you from head to toe. Don’t worry I’ll bring condoms.”

I say enough of this. Read it exactly how that moron typed the text. It’d be way more hilarious.

It's beyond me why a 13 year old girl would not want to be all up on this...

2. Another thing is that TCAP really doesn’t have much in terms of music. There is no theme song, no dramatic chords during the segments, no nothing. I propose we change this immediately. We don’t need much but how about we play the Benny Hill theme song when the pervs make their way outside to the police? C’mon you know that is comic GOLD.

3. I think at the end of the show there should be a bloopers reel in addition to unseen footage of Chris Hansen matter-of-factly reading the chat transcripts to the pervs as they sit down and drink their glass of lemonade provided to them by the decoy…because that is my favorite part. When Chris is all “Did you say that you were going to take your beeeeeeeeeep and beeeeeeeeeeping beeep her in her beeeeeeeep while she beeeeeeeeped and beeeeeeeeeeped on your beeep?”

Honestly, I think these are three really great suggestions to make a great television program even greater. I am available for production consultation anytime, Chris. I live in Palm Beach, right around the corner from the broad you decided to ruin your marriage and your family for. Call me.

Tagged as: i'm hilarious, i'm such a good person, my two cents, tcap