Today’s post is from Princess Muffintop, my very first friend on twitter. And I fully agree with and endorse the viewpoints below.
Hey guess what, guys? Do you know what May 21st, 2011 is? That’s right, it’s JUDGMENT DAY! Some brilliant people over at familyradio.com have placed billboards across America to kindly inform everyone that on 5/21/2011, we’re all screwed. Well, not EVERYONE… but chances are if you’re reading this, you’re probably not on the rapture list. Let me just quickly give a shout out to my boys at Family Radio for letting me know about my imminent fate. Thanks guys, you rock my doomed world!
Since we’ve only got a few days left before the world goes to shit, I’d like to express some things that I’ve been too respectful to say in the past. It’s time to stop being polite AND START GETTING REAL.
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s do this.
- Your wedding was extremely boring. Chances are if you are married, 95% of your wedding guests were counting the seconds until they were able to sneak out. The other 5% were drunk. Also, the chicken floating in a gelatinous creamy substance served at your reception was disgusting.
- So you drive a yellow car? Unless you drive a taxi for a living, you’re a tool. If your yellow car has racing stripes and/or a peeing Calvin & Hobbes bumper sticker, I’ve automatically assumed you have a 6-pack of Pabst in your trunk and you’re headed to Wal-Mart.
- Yes, that shirt/that dress/those jeans make you look fat. If you ask the question, then YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER. Unless you were just fishing for a compliment- in that case, you are an asshole.
- Remember that time you told me about that really crazy dream you had? I totally zoned out about three words in. And let me assure you that no one else gives a shit about your dream, either. Unless of course the dream was about me and how awesome I am, because “me” is everyone’s favorite topic.
- Looking at thousands of photos detailing every minute of your family vacation to Legoland sort of makes me want to murder things. And since we’re just a few days from the end of the world as we know it, I just might.
- Your newborn baby looks like an alien. And not “cute E.T. alien”, I’m talking “Sigourney Weaver stomach-ripping alien”.
I could keep going, but I’ve got lots to do. I’ve got a whole bucket list full of things that I must accomplish, like punching Rick Moranis in the face for ruining the 80s, getting my hair cut into a mullet, etc.
Peace out, world. May your limited time left here on Earth be filled with alcohol-induced hallucinations and Michael Bolton videos. Ahem… and just in case this whole “world is coming to an end” thing doesn’t happen, you KNOW I was totally kidding- right?! I LOVE looking at your vacation photos. And your baby is SOOO PRETTY!
And if you drive a yellow car… well… you’re still a tool.
TTFN,
AMo
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
My End of the World Bucket List:
Watch ballerina porn….CHECK
Read an amazing guest post….CHECK
Watch Michael Bolton videos….Will do ASAP
I knew my wife was lying when she said I didn’t look fat in those jeans. Goddammit.
I love that your alien baby is wearing a denim diaper.
This was hilarious. Also, way to accessorize, P-Muff. I LOVED your choice of dress. On a more serious note: Do you think there’s enough time for you, me and HYP to take a road trip to Graceland before the end of the world? I feel like the world needs the three of us to spend some time together. Maybe it could even reverse the fate of this rapture thing. Food for thought.
I’m pretty sure alien babies actually eat human babies. That’s just what I heard. And that explains where alien baby got the super-cool denim diaper, because they don’t have denim in outer space. Duh.
Awesome post Princess. (Good choice for a guest blogger HateYou!)
So if I ask you if these yoga pants make me look fat, I will hear crickets, just before you punch me? Yeah, I am one of those but I really, really want to know. No, seriously.
I agree with the alien babies. I had to do it with my friends, now their promiscuous slut kids are having babies and it all starts again. UGH!
Good stuff, Now let me peak around in here and see what this blog is all about.
I wonder if I have time to post my truth on each of my facebook friends’ walls before Saturday? There are things I really need them to know before they are whisked away to heaven.
this is just plain genius. love it!
I’m coming to Graceland with you all.
I have so much to do, but I’m not sure if I’ll get it done before the 21st – and just when on the 21st? Because if it’s at 12:01AM then I’ve got even less time than I thought.
I guess I don’t have to fight GP – she’ll be going to a worse place soon.
I love everything about this and I hope that laughing at it and sharing it doesn’t send me straight to Hell.
You were talking about my Twin B, weren’t you?
With the alien head?
Those were OLD pictures. With BAD lighting.
I hate you.
No…you’re too amusing…I love you.
Nope…wait…hate you.
(love)
No. My. God. YES!
I want to go through everyone’s vacation/baby pictures like shuffling a deck of cards.
Weddings suck. Same with dance recitals, graduations and any type of shower. We went to a wedding recently that was a CASH bar. If I had known that ahead of time, I’d have gotten them a card that said “go fuck yourselves”.
And I’m sorry, but not all babies are cute.
“Do these jeans make me look fat?” “No your fat ass makes you look fat.
‘Kay I’m done. RAPTURE ME.
Are you kidding? I LOVE those pictures of you at the hotel you stayed in… you posing under a tree… you sitting on the beach… you standing with that crazy looking local… you eating that giant whatever-it-is-that-region-is-famous-for…
Perfect stream of random consciousness…all these things? Just what my head sounds like.
It was like I was there!
Imma take a mess of helium filled inflatable sex dolls and let ‘em lose in Times Square at the appointed hour. Unless I get distracted. Oh is that an NCIS marathon on TV?
Hopefully your message reaches people far and wide, or at least the people that know or will know me, because I know I haven’t looked at my last photo album or heard about someone’s boring ass dream for the last time.
I’m gonna need one those shirts! Or maybe the rapture happened and none of my inlaws/coworkers got raptured & we are all stuck here.