Today’s post is from Princess Muffintop, my very first friend on twitter. And I fully agree with and endorse the viewpoints below.
Hey guess what, guys? Do you know what May 21st, 2011 is? That’s right, it’s JUDGMENT DAY! Some brilliant people over at familyradio.com have placed billboards across America to kindly inform everyone that on 5/21/2011, we’re all screwed. Well, not EVERYONE… but chances are if you’re reading this, you’re probably not on the rapture list. Let me just quickly give a shout out to my boys at Family Radio for letting me know about my imminent fate. Thanks guys, you rock my doomed world!
Since we’ve only got a few days left before the world goes to shit, I’d like to express some things that I’ve been too respectful to say in the past. It’s time to stop being polite AND START GETTING REAL.
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s do this.
- Your wedding was extremely boring. Chances are if you are married, 95% of your wedding guests were counting the seconds until they were able to sneak out. The other 5% were drunk. Also, the chicken floating in a gelatinous creamy substance served at your reception was disgusting.
- So you drive a yellow car? Unless you drive a taxi for a living, you’re a tool. If your yellow car has racing stripes and/or a peeing Calvin & Hobbes bumper sticker, I’ve automatically assumed you have a 6-pack of Pabst in your trunk and you’re headed to Wal-Mart.
- Yes, that shirt/that dress/those jeans make you look fat. If you ask the question, then YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER. Unless you were just fishing for a compliment- in that case, you are an asshole.
- Remember that time you told me about that really crazy dream you had? I totally zoned out about three words in. And let me assure you that no one else gives a shit about your dream, either. Unless of course the dream was about me and how awesome I am, because “me” is everyone’s favorite topic.
- Looking at thousands of photos detailing every minute of your family vacation to Legoland sort of makes me want to murder things. And since we’re just a few days from the end of the world as we know it, I just might.
- Your newborn baby looks like an alien. And not “cute E.T. alien”, I’m talking “Sigourney Weaver stomach-ripping alien”.
I could keep going, but I’ve got lots to do. I’ve got a whole bucket list full of things that I must accomplish, like punching Rick Moranis in the face for ruining the 80s, getting my hair cut into a mullet, etc.
Peace out, world. May your limited time left here on Earth be filled with alcohol-induced hallucinations and Michael Bolton videos. Ahem… and just in case this whole “world is coming to an end” thing doesn’t happen, you KNOW I was totally kidding- right?! I LOVE looking at your vacation photos. And your baby is SOOO PRETTY!
And if you drive a yellow car… well… you’re still a tool.