So, I have felt the need for sometime to write a post on Costco, and having spent some serious time there this morning, I knew I had to share my Costco experience with you all….
Alright, let’s get right down to it. Are you a member of Costco? I ask people that a lot and I sure as hell hope they are, because that joint is pretty much the coolest, most entertaining place to shop on this planet.
My next question to those who indicate they too belong to one of the most non-exclusive membership warehouses in the world is almost always “what kind of member are you?”
There are three kinds of members: Gold Star Members, Business Members, and Executive Members.
If you’re a Gold Star Member, why are we friends? Dont even continue reading this because your membership level tells me everything I need to know about you. You’re only at Costco to reap the rewards of 36 rolls of Bounty for $7.89. In other words, you’re not willingly to financially and personally devote yourself to the entire Costco experience. You probably also shop at the inferior wholesaler, BJs and everyone know that place sucks big time. You’re probably gonna get really jealous when I relate to you my dual Business/Executive Membership benefits in just a moment and then its going to be awkward between us and we’ll never speak again. I’m just giving you fair warning. Alright so I am starting to bulk up on Royal Wedding Birthday supplies. Why should you care? Well, if you’re my friend you should care about everything that goes on in my life, Gah, you’re a terrible friend.
Anyway we need wine, beer, and liquor for this event so why would I pay retail for booze when I load up at Costco? I mean its obvious. So anyway, after I grabbed a little coffee and hang out at my parent’s house until around 9:15-ish I head for the motherland. I get there around 9:40 and everything is new and fresh there. The parking lot is all cleaned up and the carts are in the little cart prison cells that they have throughout the lot and the place is empty. I mean its on full lockdown mode.
For you Gold Stars this may be an unfamiliar scene… you see, when you’re a business or executive member you get to go shopping one hour before the store opens. So you get to pick over the $15.98 Calvin Klein Jeans that they’ve had in storage since 1992 first before anyone else. Now, when you are shopping during business and executive hours, its a wholllle other ball game.
Let me tell you how it works.
First off, everyone is at least 78 years old, retired, red-blooded American card-holding members. There’s no trashasses in sight. Ohhhhhhhh no, my friends. It’s all class for 60 blissful minutes. So now its about 9:53 and everyone starts lining up outside the Costco with their carts and flatbeds. There’s some moderate pushing and shoving, people are getting irritated with each other because everyone wants to be in there so bad to enjoy trashass-free Costco shopping. There are no Tweety Bird shirts, no empty packages of Skoal strewn about the floor, none of those microscopic sample spoons they give you when they are handing out free food all over the place. Its pristine, pure as the driven snow.
So, the doors roll up and everyone is pushing their way inside flashing their cards and the man at the door is checking to make sure no scum-ass Gold Stars are trying to weasel their way in to ruin our private time. Once inside, you immediately notice Doug on the Zamboni machine cleaning up the floors. He leaves behind a smell of cleaning detergent, Kirkland Signature, of course.
All the employees are running around trying to find their sample and display carts so they can give out miniscule samples of things like Kix or Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese. Basically, these people are getting ready for the big show in less than an hour. You are greeted instantaneously by Debbie. Shes got Costco bakery muffins cut up into quarters and glasses of Kirkland Signature Orange Juice for you to enjoy while you weave in and out of the aisles.
Let me tell you this: there may be limits on samples when the Gold Stars are shopping but Debbie told me to take as many and as much as I wanted, she showed me her supply for the hour. I guess a lot of other people had my idea of buying booze at 10 a.m. at the Costco because there were at least five stay-at-home Moms loading up on wine and hard liquor (I want to be them when I grow up). Thennnnnn there’s the Korean Grocery Store Owners. Love ‘em or hate ‘em these people know how to use Costco to its fullest potential. I swear it was like 10:05 and I spotted several already on their second flatbed.
Early Costco is also the place to be seen if you are a single, retired, 76 yr. old man. If you have any single Grandmothers send them to Costco at 10, I guarantee they will come back with a boyfriend by 11:15. The place was crawling with old men. I say crawling quite literally because if they weren’t in motorized scooters they were walking at a snail’s pace at best.
People go into early Costco for a variety of reasons and they all have this face of urgency, like they NEED to be there. This one man was hauling ass to the checkout line with a 12 pack of Orbit gum. Honestly buddy, do you need mint gum that desperately at that time of the day? Couldnt 7-11 do the trick for you? I guess not. Then there was an older lady who was practically running for the clothing department so she could get her granddaughter a hot pink Speedo one piece bathing suit that she’ll probably hate because she’ll be teased and called a loser at the pool this summer.
But to be honest with you, I was just happy that these people were there showing their support for the upper-tier levels of Costco membership. Us Business and Executive members have to stick together. I mean it is quite literally an us versus them mentality when you are dealing with membership classes at Costco. But don’t get me wrong; I still love going to Costco during normal hours when the freakshow parade commences, its just a nice break every now and then to shop there sans trash.