Remember when I got engaged? You don’t, do you? You know how I know? Because NONE OF YOU HAVE EVEN BOTHERED TO SEND ME AN ENGAGEMENT PRESENT. Anyway, because I am a generous magnanimous human being I am going to give you guys some tips for planning a wedding and avoiding mental breakdowns, bridesmaid drama and related bullshit. It’s basically a list of don’ts because every stupid bridal magazine I have read recently is just a continuous list of things you must do for your wedding in order to make it perfect and I am getting sick of all of the expectations.
1. Don’t be engaged for longer than 6 months.
The Pilot and I got engaged in January and are getting married in July. It is awesome, you know why? Because there is no time to dwell on stupid nonsense. My mom can’t get crazy about invitations and reception cards because these decisions have to be made in a matter of days. When you have a long engagement that means your mom has a longer period of time to get hysterical over a myriad of stupid shit like what kind of container will you use to present your reception guests with their Jordan Almonds? My mom has had zero time to really ramp up her crazy which means The Pilot and I can call the shots on any number of pressing decisions without pausing for input from everyone….because when you get married every dumbass that knows what a wedding is wants to give you their advice and offer their opinion on any range of wedding topics.
2. Don’t invite more than 65 guests to your wedding.
This is helpful for a number of reasons. It is obvious that if you keep your wedding small, you reduce expenses. But when you keep your wedding small you also reduce the insignificant people that you really don’t want to invite to your wedding in the first place. This way you can ensure that your wedding is VIPs only. It also means that you will be forced to go through and weed out those people in your life who are your sorta friends. You know these people, they are the ones who you half ass stay in touch with but you really don’t make any effort. This is the perfect reason to par down your list of friends and make sure that everyone who counts in your life is there for your wedding and that you will be able to really celebrate with them instead of just walking around your reception aimlessly thanking strangers for coming to your wedding. Sweet Brown said it best, “ain’t nobody got time for that.”
3. Don’t have a bridal party.
I can’t tell you how freeing it has been for the last three months to wake up every morning and not have to deal with a gaggle of whiny, cranky, unhappy, opinionated, rude, dramatic bitches telling me how I can make my wedding more enjoyable and pleasant for them. Screw. That. You don’t need a bunch of hens telling you what to do, especially if you have a mom. A mother, particularly an Italian mother, is all the crazy you need to deal with while you are planning a wedding. If you are in need of a crazy ass Italian mom to pester you and drive you insane during your engagement, contact me and I will loan you my mom.
4. Don’t listen to anyone.
This is perhaps the most important don’t of them all. Everyone is going to give you their opinion and expert advice. Get ready. But what they fail to realize is that this is YOUR wedding, not theirs. So just do whatever you want. Unless it is really tacky or ugly or trendy. Think about all the poor people who got married in the 80′s who look back on their wedding albums now: Perms. Puffy sleeves. Shoulder pads. Emerald green decor. But if you really want a vintage 80′s wedding, then who am I to stand in your way? Just know that I think that’s a really God-awful idea and it will haunt you forever.
5. Don’t freak out.
You’re not splitting the atom, you guys. So just relax and take everything one step at a time. I happen to be extremely lucky that I work at a Country Club and the muzak that they play in the Clubhouse is literally the same muzak playing when you are waiting for your elevator at Walt Disney World’s Tower of Terror thrill ride. What does this have to do with not freaking out? Somedays when I walk into work and I am about to explode from stress, I hear the muzak and immediately hit the button for the elevator and pretend I’m next in line for the Tower of Terror. Then one of my coworkers sees me and banishes me back to my desk. My point is this: when you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, don’t. Just go somewhere else in your mind or do something fun. Planning a wedding should be fun. You’re doing it wrong if it isn’t fun. When the stress starts creeping up on you, take a break and get your shit together. This is supposed to be a really happy day and in order for that to happen, the days leading up to your wedding need to be happy.
If you need some more advice, drop me a line. I am available as a personal life coach and my fees are very reasonable.
The end.
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